All my life, I have always wanted to hear that I was good, that I was a good daughter, a good student, a good human being. I needed to hear I was a good person so I did what I could to get praised, first and foremost from my parents. But in many ways, I felt like I disappointed them because I couldn’t measure up to this person I wanted to be. I was very shy and awkward in school, I didn’t have any friends. I used to think I was so useless; my inside thoughts were; I am so weird, who would ever like me?
Talking down to myself and thinking negative thoughts about who I am have left an impact on my life. I never liked being me, I always dreamt of being another person who was brave, popular and nice to everybody. But I wasn’t that girl; I was emotional, introverted and sensitive. Always comparing myself with everyone else who I thought was doing better than me was not healthy for me. It made me feel a lot of resentment towards everyone else who had what I wanted but thought I wasn’t worthy of having.
When I feel like I am not in charge of my own life, I think it is ok to blame everyone else. I want to drag them to the ground with me and make them feel as miserable as I feel. I resent people for being more successful than I am and feel left out. It is part of human nature to compare ourselves with each other. These thoughts come and go during the different cycles of life. It is only natural. However, it is when we let them control our lives that they have to be looked at and dealt with. They are not supposed to be used as a weapon towards your own mind and leave you thinking that everybody else is better or more worthy than you. And vice versa.
Carrying resentment around is heavy and feels bad. For me, it makes me blind to the truth, I see red, I pity myself and I feel less than everyone else. I actually have been carrying around a lot of bad emotions lately towards the world, blaming everyone else for how my life has been played out. I know it is not fair of me and I can’t go on acting like I am not in charge of my life. I can change what is bothering me and get off this miserable pity party. It is time to step up and take responsibility for my life and my choices. I truly think my lesson in life is to see the beauty of my mistakes.
Getting older I have found another way of dealing with those intrusive thoughts. Whenever I notice them come up again, I try to look at them with loving eyes and think; I am who I am for a reason. I cannot be anyone else than me, this world needs people like me. I have to have a purpose here in this time and realm with this personality.
A while ago I stopped thinking of what was expected of me and did what I needed to do every day and I released myself from all the guilt I carried for not being like everybody else. I am learning to trust that I am getting what I need from life. I just needed to stop pressuring myself into becoming something I wasn’t so that I could find out who I am. I shouldn’t blame anyone for what I have done with my life. I have made some poor choices and that is why I am unhappy with my career and personal life. At the same time, I am thankful for how it all played out and I accept the past for what it is today.
If you are reading this and find yourself recognizing yourself in my words I want you to know that you are here for a reason as well. Whenever you question and blame yourself for your shortcomings next time, think about what makes you deserving of your place right now. I am sure you can find something that is really true.
My dad always says that life is an opportunity that we are lucky to take. It took me a while to get what he was saying and I realize now that he meant I should just go with the flow of life. If it offers you lemons you should learn how to make lemonade. I hope you make it taste sweet.