Spirit

Single, in a relationship, it is complicated…

There is a tv show called Married at first sight. It is a reality show where there are a bunch of “experts” who put two people together based on some tests they have made. The couple who are matched is supposed to get married right away when they first meet in a church wearing their wedding attire. Scary first date huh?

After they get married the get to go on a honeymoon and when they return to their homes we get to follow the couples trying to adjust to each other’s new lives. Almost every relationship in that show end with the couple wanting to get divorced.

This is just a tv show but even the so-called experts don’t know what advice they should be giving to people who are looking for love. Why is that?


My mother married my father after knowing him for a couple of weeks. In those days the customs were that if a guy saw a girl he liked, (by like I mean that he saw a girl he thought was cute and wanted to get to know her after asking around about her family and background) he could go to her parents and ask for her hand in marriage. She would think about it, maybe talk to him under the supervision of her family and then decide whether she wanted to marry the guy or not.

My parents are truly an old couple, they bicker a lot and they love to hate each other but at the end of the day, they wouldn’t leave each other for anyone else. They did things a little differently, they got married first, had four children, worked hard to create a home and in the meantime, they grew to love each other through the years. It worked for them because they made it work and because giving up was not an option.


Nowadays I feel like the dating-scenes has become somewhat similar to the process of making a business deal. Everyone is trying to win something out of it; either it is money or security. Jackpot would be if your future husband was rich, gorgeous and nice but often people settle if he is just cute.

It is a jungle out there, meeting somebody new can feel exciting and scary at the same time. When you start to feel attracted to someone it is fun and sexy, you walk around with a goofy smile for a week fantasizing about meeting them. It can go either way, sometimes it is simple, fast and easy and sometimes things don’t work out the way you want them to.


Finding a romantic partner is something most people dream about and being single can sometimes feel painful and can cause low self-esteem and a lot of emotional sorrow for some people. This stress around being in a relationship can cause people to settle for someone who isn’t right for them. Being single and having only yourself to look out after can be amazing if you are willing to let go of the pressure around your relationship status.

Depending on what you want out of the relationship you should be able to know if a person is right for you or not. Sometimes I am not sure that the idea of living with one person for the rest of our life is good or how it is supposed to be. We always hear these stories of people cheating, leaving their partner or destroying their relationships in one way or the other. The reality is that there are so many people out there who are in relationships they shouldn’t be in. People change and develop through time and that might be one reason why most relationships fail. I am not sure if I ever will get married but I do know I won’t settle for anyone until I feel clarity in heart, mind, and soul all at the same time.


I would love to hear what your thoughts are about marriage and being single. What is the number one relationship advice you would give to a couple who are getting married? Leave a comment in the section below.

Love,

Pet

I practice yoga. I eat organic food. I write.

16 Comments

  • Michelle

    Very interesting article, Pet (and cute name too:)

    So yes, it is true, I am ‘old-school’ and for sure, the relationship scene today is nothing near what it was in my ‘time’ and mind you, I am not a dinosaur.

    It is a sad state of affairs that individuals can’t make a commitment to any relationship – whether it is platonic, intimate, business – it really does not matter, it just seems that individuals just don’t seem to ‘value’ people as they should. In my opinion, if they did – things would indeed be different- not to mention the divorce stats.

    And these endless TV shows which I think ‘mislead’ rather than empower. We need to go back to the drawing board of life and do things the ‘old way’ again.

    Thanks for allowing me to share my thoughts.

    Michelle

    • Pet

      Hi Michelle!

      Thank you for your kind words! 

      I agree with you! I am an old school kind of girl as well…

      If we just made it easier by breaking it down to what it really is about then maybe people would stick together for a longer time.

      Thank you for sharing you thoughts!

      Love, Pet

  • Cath Anon

    I know this may sound trite but the average relationship I see failing is when a couple is stressed out by life’s challenges (e.g. financial difficulties, work pressures, homelife chores etc) and as they struggle, they become so fatigue that they don’t have the energy to speak nicely to each and are too tired to speak kindly; you know?

    So my #1 relationship advice based on my observations will be they must find the energy to maintain a certain level of honest and KINDLY communication between them.  If they have this, they will not drift apart when the tough times come.  I believe this.  And if it means taking yoga together to keep attuned, then do it! 🙂

    • Pet

      Hi Cath!

      Yes I think the number one reason people get divorced is because of finance.

      Good advice on how to keep working on your relationship. I think the issue is people think marriage is going to solve everything and that you won’t have to do any more work after the wedding…

      Yoga is a great way to keep yourself balanced and with a partner it probably gets even better!

      Love,

      Pet

  • walker2

    I love your article, it is so heartfelt! Probably one of the hardest thing that people have to deal with when growing up is the “love” situation. When we are young we assume when we meet someone and are attracted to them that it is love. Most likely it isn’t. Most people also rush into getting married long before they really know the other person. I have seen this time and time again. That initial giddiness leaves and suddenly they don’t know who this other person is that they’ve married! I know when I was younger I was always looking for my “soul mate.” I was usually miserable and sad because I didn’t find him. One day I realized that I was quite fine being single and since then I have had a full and productive life and I am truly happy! I wish divorce wasn’t such an easy option these days, but even better, if couples would just slow down and let the natural process happen, then I think the divorce rate would go down. Anyway, I enjoyed your article and hope you continue to write!

    • Pet

      Hi Walker!

      Thank you for your kind words! The issue I think is we have a completely different idea of what love and marriage really is about then what it actually is…If everybody would just be more honest to themselves and their partners I think we would see a different society…

      Love,

      Pet

  • Curtis

    I have been married to my amazing wife for 37 years. We have been through lots of ups and downs and that is pretty much the way marriage is. It requires a lot of give and take by both people. It is a partnership. 

    One thing that is really important, you are marrying someone because you love them for the way they are. Please don’t get married because you think you can change your mate to be what you want. It will never work.

    Find someone who has common interests to you.

    Find someone who respects you.

    Remember, don’t judge a book by its cover. Love your mate for what is inside, not just the way they look.

    Married couples have to share in the house work, raising their children and everything else in the relationship.

    Make sure, if you have kids, to make time for yourselves or you will grow apart. We both totally focused all our attention on raising our kids and supporting everything they did, and we didn’t pay enough attention to each other. Now in retirement, we have a lot of catching up to do.

    Love at first site does not exist usually. That is most likely lust and that is fine in the beginning, but after you get to know the person, that may be the only thing you have in common and that does not make a solid future.

    Hope you find my comment useful. Thanks.

    • Pet

      Hi Curtis!

      Amazing that you have been together for 37 years! Congrats!

      Thank you for your lovely advice. You are so right, you should never try to change another person to fit your needs and lust and love are two completely different things…

      Love,

      Pet

  • BEazzy Shifts

    Hello Love, Pet. Nice article “Sngle, in a relationship, it is complicated…”

    Personally I think relationship is not a thing one should jump into just like that or without being convinced enough. Nowadays, people are into relationships for wrong purposes, epecially as a result of carnality. One should be careful and well convinced before engaging in a relationship.

    While in a relationship, you will always see/come across somebody more sexy, handsome/pretty, smarter, hardworking, Wealthy etc. To keep a relationship going, discipline should be in place. Stick with your partner.

    Nice read. Keep sharing.

    • Pet

      Hi!

      Yes I think so to. It is as simple as deciding who you want to be and having the discipline to be faithful if you have promised that to your significant other. 

      Love, Pet

  • Matthew

    I have been married to my best friend for 5 years now and have 4 gorgeous children, all boys. We have been together for 16 years though and if I’m honest, I never really wanted to get married in the first place, why fix something if it’s not broken, right?

    I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her and I didn’t need some piece of paper and an expensive party to prove that, but women love the idea of getting married don’t they. 

    We are even stronger together as a married couple than just a couple, and I see that now but why does it have to be so damn expensive to prove your love in front of all your friends and family?

    There should be a law where all marriages should be free, as long as you don’t get divorced within 10 years as I’m pretty sure some would do it just for the green cards, lol

    I am going to look out for that ‘Married at first sight’ show as it sounds very interesting. I couldn’t imagine ever doing something like that myself though.

    Thanks for an interesting read 🙂

    • Pet

      Hi Matthew! 

      Nice to hear that you are happy with your wife and family! Yes marriage is something real different from the actual wedding which is really just a way to celebrate tat you have a love in your life. I like that you make a ritual out of it but it doesn’t have to be expensive… You can just mark the change from single to married by having a fun night together with the ones you love…I think there is too much pressure from society that makes it hard for people to have simple weddings…Hopefully the future generations finds more creative ways to celebrate love…

      Love,

      Pet 

  • Renton

    Its pretty interesting that the experts get it wrong. There is a good reason other languages have multiple words for “Love”. In some sense the English language does too because words like trust, loyalty, fidelity and support could all be considered love right? Perhaps I have watched too many movies, but I feel like I was born in the wrong time. Sure the tech is great but relationships are not really what they were. I Like the fact that your parents said for better and for worse and actually meant it. I am still holding out for that kind of love.

    I think that society is becoming more accepting of things it previously wasn’t, in some cases this may be good but it also may be bad as well. I think you are right that people change but the reason relationships fail is sue to complacency then a lack of communication and ultimately lack of interest.I have seen many relationships break down so perhaps this has made me more weary.

    I think I could go on for days on this topic but the main point I have observed is that marriage is about the “little” things, everyday, not just the big romantic gestures every once in awhile. I always like to think that if you ever know everything about a person (if thats possible), then after that you have the privileged of watching them grow and being in the front row while they do.

    Thanks for the thought provoking topic!

    • Pet

      Hi Renton!

      I think I am on the same page as you when it comes to technology and relationships. I don’t know if we complicate things by talking through these algorithms and apps where there is bound to be miscommunication. Maybe that is why so many people break up nowadays because we are using emojis instead of real feeling…

      It is interesting to discuss as you say we could go on for days…

      Love,

      Pet

  • Taetske

    Good afternoon Pet,

    When my Mother met my Father first time just after the war, she told me this story many years later when I was grown up, she knew that he was the man she would marry. My grandparents were not pleased in the beginning as Papa was 17 years older and had lost everything in the war. That meant he did not have a cent. Anyhow they emigrated to Australia where I was born to go back to Holland 4 years later. They were happy together and I had great parents.

    I have seen that show also sometimes as it is on European tv. I can tell you that I would not marry just like that. In my life I nearly got married 3 times but luckily did not as I now know it would not have been a success.

    During my life there have been times where I would be single for some years. It all has its pros and cons. To have a loving relationship where you give your partner space and where you always can tell each other everything is preferable over being single, especially when you get older.

    Regards, Taetske

    • Pet

      Hi Taetske!

      I loved reading your parents story. If you work on your relationship and prioritise the person you are with I think you will find the love you are searching for. I understand what you mean that it feels better to be in a relationship over being single when you are older. Hopefully everybody finds their perfect match at some point in life, until then I think you should be happy being who you are. 

      Love,

      Pet

Leave a Reply to walker2 Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *